“Dear Alex,” a column created by the ABA Business Law Section’s Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DE&I) Committee, is the reader’s chance to ask all about DE&I anonymously. Think of it like the old “Dear Abby” columns, but for DE&I. In each column, the Dear Alex team answers a question related to DE&I. These questions can be interpersonal or even professional, like how to convince senior partners at your firm that investing in DE&I can be a competitive advantage. If you’ve ever had a DE&I question that you have been afraid or otherwise unable to ask, now is your chance to ask “Alex.” Questions can be submitted at the form linked here.
Dear Alex,
One of the lawyers I work with accidentally mentioned that another colleague has started their gender transition even though they had requested that be kept confidential. I want to ensure our colleague feels supported at work, especially since our firm is not very accepting. Should I approach them?
Sincerely,
Confidentiality Conundrum
Dear Confidentiality Conundrum,
This is a delicate situation. First, I commend you for wanting to be a supportive ally—simply asking this question indicates you’re already on the right path. Here’s the key point: if your colleague has requested confidentiality, the first rule of Ally Club would be not to discuss this without their permission. Respecting their privacy is essential.
Instead of directly approaching them, focus on creating a more inclusive work environment. Show your support in subtle but meaningful ways. For instance, use inclusive language in emails or meetings, advocate for policies promoting diversity, or participate in events celebrating LGBTQ+ identity and rights. These actions will signal to your colleague (and others) that you are a safe person to talk to if they wish to confide in you, and they’ll contribute to shifting the environment in your office for the better.
If the opportunity arises naturally, such as when your colleague chooses to mention their transition within the firm more broadly, then be there to listen and offer support. Just remember not to create unnecessary drama in the office by saying you already know about them being trans. In the meantime, make your less accepting workplace more open, one step at a time.
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Dear Alex,
I want to understand more about microaggressions so I don’t unintentionally make anyone uncomfortable. What are some examples, and how can I avoid them?
Sincerely,
Looking to Learn
Dear Looking,
Microaggressions are sneaky little gremlins of everyday interactions—those subtle comments or actions that might seem harmless on the surface but can pack a punch to someone else’s identity or experiences. Think of it like accidentally stepping on someone’s toes. Sure, you didn’t mean to, but it still hurts!
Here are some examples: Saying “Wow, you’re so articulate” to someone from a marginalized group can imply surprise at their competence (which is not great). Asking “Where are you really from?” might seem like innocent curiosity, but it can feel invalidating to the person being asked, as it may come across as making assumptions about their background and treating them as an outsider. Microaggressions can also be nonverbal or involve things you don’t say, such as clutching your bag when someone walks by or ignoring someone’s ideas in a meeting but celebrating the same idea when someone else presents it.
To avoid microaggressions, start by listening and reflecting. Challenge your assumptions and biases (everyone has them; the key is managing them). A suggestion would be to refrain from complimenting or questioning someone if you are unsure how it might be received.
If you catch yourself committing microaggressions, be mindful of people’s feelings: If they say they are hurt, do not question them or try to explain what you “actually meant.” Just apologize and learn from the experience. If you witness others making microaggressive comments, use your voice to educate them or gently redirect the conversation. The secret is to be mindful, open to feedback, and willing to grow.
Dear Alex contributors from the BLS Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Committee rotate and include David Burick, Daniel Roman, and Michael Sabella, among others.
